How to be comfortable when uncomfortable
There will be many times and situations when seeing ‘eye to eye’, being of one mind and agreeing with one another just doesn’t happen and your spouse seems a million miles from you emotionally, spiritually and even physically. You may feel unloved, unsupported and totally alone. That is why we don’t rely on our spouses to fulfil us as human beings.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 reminds us of the triple braided cord that keeps us strong. Turn in prayer to the one who knows you intimately (Psalm 139) and when we trust Him and fix are thoughts and imaginations on what He has for us, He will Keep us in Perfect peace (Isaiah 26:3).
When we both know this and can pray together having agreed to disagree and forgive any hurts we may have inflicted on each other from cross words, we are better able to move on. We can be comfortable again in what could be a very uncomfortable situation. But what if you don’t share a faith? What if you feel personally attacked and uncomfortable because your husband or wife doesn’t understand you and believes your faith to be weird? What happens in that situation? Do you have to stay in conflict and stand your ground or give in to something you disagree with?
Not at all. You don’t have to do either. The Lord always says as our father, our protector that He will always be with us. His word says that ..’If God is for us, who can be against us?’ (Romans 8:31) His Spirit lives within us understanding our inner groans of despair. Seek His counsel in quiet prayer. But what is equally important is that you help your unbelieving spouse know that you love them even if you disagree with them.
Scripture is very clear that we must make restitution first with those we have had disputes with before we come to the altar of prayer. Jesus made this very clear in his sermon on the mount in Matthew 5:22-24. He doesn’t want us to stay angry because that makes things much worse! Make peace with your spouse. Agree to disagree because unity doesn’t mean uniformity. We are not clones of each other. In fact your husband or wife fell in love with your uniqueness!
The Bible never speaks of ‘keeping’ the peace at all costs. Many Christians think it does, in connection with marriage and other close relationships. But we have the God of peace, Jesus Christ who is our peace. In the book of James, he writes of wisdom (who is Jesus) coming from Heaven which is first pure, then peace loving and goes on to say that it is ..’willing to yield to others’ and is ‘full of mercy’. We must make peace by being willing to listen and yield to our spouse’s point of view, seeing things from their angle. This doesn’t mean we have to agree. In fact, their argument may be against God’s word anyway! Just be willing to hear all ideas, thoughts and arguments and help them by gently explaining our reasons, using scripture, when appropriate. Be very aware of coming across as pious and a know it all though! They are more likely to yield towards us when they feel loved...’and those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness’ (James 3:18)
We have to ask the Holy Spirit first to help us get out of a strong-willed mindset. As humans, we might find ‘yielding’, or as we see it ‘giving in’, too much to bear. We know we are right and they are definitely wrong! However, God’s spirit, if we sincerely seek it, will help us to submit and make peace so we can be comfortable with each other again. In Romans 15:5 it says God helps us live in complete harmony with the same attitude as Jesus. He helps us to accept each other’s differences. ‘Love does not demand it’s own way.......and it endures through every circumstance ‘ (1 Corinthians 13:5 & 7)
In our book ‘Marriage made in Heaven when we say I will’, I relate the story of my husband and I performing a Rumba dance in our local Winter Gardens dance hall. The Rumba is affectionately known as the dance of love but we decided to start our routine by moving towards each other from different ends of the floor. It was nerve wracking having to walk across the floor alone. But as we met in the middle, we were able to complete the dance in harmony despite our nerves. Coming together highlighted the Intimacy that should be found in a dance of love. Walking alone however can be a very uncomfortable situation. We felt vulnerable and conspicuous. Perhaps more fearful. It is fear that removes intimacy and drives conflict when there is misunderstandings and miscommunication.
In a previous blog, we have written about the importance of spending time together as a couple. Trying to find common interests and enjoying each other’s company goes an awfully long way to dispel misunderstandings. My husband and I thoroughly endorse a good walk. It doesn’t have to be a days hike with all the gear. Just pop out around ‘the block’, or get in the car and go somewhere different and new to explore- just get out and walk and talk. It’s a very comfortable way to mention those topics of conversation that are causing you angst. When we walk, we don’t have to look at each other with accusing eyes, or looks that kill!! Somehow, walking gives expression and vent to our feelings without the other person feeling vulnerable and fearful. We can complete the walk with a light refreshment somewhere and turn the whole thing into a date!
Staying comfortable in a potentially uncomfortable situation is hard work. But who said marriage was easy? Sometimes we have to anticipate a conflict so it is better to have it out ‘in the open’ so to speak while we feel comfortable with each other. That means making an effort to make peace and keep life in our marriage. (1 Peter 3:11)
