How do we get our husbands to open up about their feelings?
Ladies! You may have a husband who is very happy to chat and is quite used to opening up, revealing his innermost feelings and thoughts - that is great! But most men do not.
Most men have this Neolithic understanding that they must work it all out for themselves - to protect you or because you won’t/ don’t understand or you might belittle them or they just don’t need your help etc.
Men and women do think differently because of the way we are wired. Men are generally more factual and women are more emotional. Men can only deal with one thing at a time, whereas women, we are juggling different thoughts and ideas in various ways to help others as well as ourselves. We are, as women, happy to talk and get involved with other’s needs because we have the wiring capability to understand and be more empathetic. Men are more closed and protective, not feeling the need to reveal all as this might be seen as weakness.
Now, these are all generalisations to a point but there is a great deal of truth in these findings. It is interesting to note, in scripture, that God causes us to do the opposite, by His Spirit, to what is instinctive to our flesh. When a husband is called to ‘love’ his wife, the Greek word for this is Agape. It means a form of sacrificial love. He has to be the empathetic one and care for her. Whereas the wife is told to ‘ love’ her husband passionately like a friend - a Phileo love in the Greek.
So, for a man to open up his feelings, to show his love and understanding towards his wife, he has to do something that is quite unnatural. It requires the supernatural! He has to be sacrificial and put his natural pride and tough exterior aside in order to be real to her.
Wives are called to be their husband’s helper. We are to respect our husband in his vulnerability. This enables him to love us sacrificially by being honest, honourable and ..’ treating us with understanding’ ( 1 Peter 3:7) God has also placed us, as spouses, in positions to support each other. No one spouse can do it all by themselves. We are to submit to one another, as we submit to God (Ephesians 5:21) We are equal partners in God’s gift of new life (1 Pet 3:7)
The question was ‘How do we get our husbands to open up about their feelings’? Well, I think I’ve been trying to say, with the support of scripture, that we cannot ‘get’ our husbands to do or say anything! We are to be helpful, supportive, respectful and loving as his best friend, soulmate and prayer partner. It is therefore very important that we pray for our marriage and for each other. Praying should play a vital part in our marriage if we are to communicate our deep feelings to each other more effectively. We make ourselves vulnerable when we pray because it is so intimate. Please check out the blog on how important prayer is in marriage.
Another attitude we must exhibit, if we want to encourage our husbands to be real with us and feel able to open up, is that we must accept our husband’s authority in the marriage, so they can lead us effectively. I know this aspect of our position in the marriage relationship can be a real bugbear for some women. Christian wives - you must come to God about this in your prayers! Scripture says He will always help you understand when you ask him. For example (Acts 8:29-31). In Romans 12:1&2 we are expected to renew our mind by living under His transformative spirit. We are Sarah’s daughters (1Peter 3:6) (Titus 2:4&5)
How can our husbands trust us with their feelings if we don’t honour them by being good and effective listeners? We ...’must exercise self-control and be faithful in everything we do’ (1 Tim 3:11)
Making time to enjoy each other’s company, spending quality time doing the things that he loves to do will speak volumes to him. He will feel honoured and respected by you. Place yourself in situations where you can open up your feelings to him, will also go a long way to encourage him. It is easier to ask him of his thoughts, opinions and deep-down feelings when you’ve expressed yours. Let him know you are really interested and how much you love him for sharing.
Put your mobile or cell phones down and pick up a pen and paper! Yes, write intimate letters to each other. This is a great way of enabling the mind to flow and allow one’s thoughts and feelings out and onto the paper. This is brilliant for men who, more than women find it incredibly difficult to get the words out of their mouths and need time to think. Writing does this.
We hope this blog is helpful if you are struggling in this area of your marriage relationship.
