Why arguing should not cause a marriage to fail

Why do we argue? It’s because we don’t agree with our husband or wife. They have offended us by saying or doing something that hurts or affects our wellbeing. Our natural sinful nature makes us self-righteous and proud so when our conscience is pricked or we don’t feel we are being listened to and respected. We defend ourselves - verbally. We as humans have an inherent need to be right and believe that the other person, particularly our spouse, is wrong. They might well be wrong, but it is how we get our point of view across without further damaging the conversation as well as the relationship. This is called the art of resolving conflict effectively.

Scripture says ‘Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?’ (Amos 3:3) NLT. In other words, it is important to resolve conflicts so that there can be an understanding, a reconciliation that brings back the joy and love into the relationship. This is crucial.

When conflict brings further anger and bitterness, it is because there has been no readiness to understand the other person’s point of view and, as a consequence, no repentance and forgiveness. Instead, pride and self-pity increase and conflict is far harder to resolve. Arguments can get out of balance. They become nasty and nit picking. Other points of fear and anger get dragged into the argument from previous hurts, that were left to fester and, before long, what started long ago as a minor criticism, explodes into a large heaped up bonfire.

Proverbs 18:21 says ‘Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love and indulge it will eat it’s fruit’ (AMP) This means our words have consequences - good and bad. We must beware of how we release our tongue to speak - will it bring life to our marriage or death and destruction? This is the same tongue that spoke so lovingly to our spouse and made such solemn vows in front of God!

But arguments or angry voices shouldn’t be the catalyst to a failed marriage. Heated discussions, we like to call them, should happen to raise an injustice, a problem to be solved, to point out a misdemeanour or raise awareness. God actually created the emotion of anger in us for such a reason. It is sin that makes it nasty. (Ephesians 4:26-27)

We all have different opinions based on how things affect us, how we were raised, our personalities, our differences as men and women. So, conflict is bound to happen. It’s how we react to the conflict that matters. We can allow arguments to escalate, as we said before, or use it as an opportunity to express our feelings in a positive way. Help your spouse to understand you better so they can say “sorry” and put things right. Conflict can teach us to be more sensitive towards our spouse’s needs and desires. This brings more intimacy into the marriage when there is resolution.

God’s word speaks of being ..’quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry..’ (James 1:19)

When we are loving our husband or wife, we should be ‘other’ focused and therefore less selfish and are motivated to do good and be kind. When we are ‘other’ focused we shouldn’t be so easily offended when our husband or wife have said or done something unwise. (Colossians 3:12-13) In our vows on our wedding day, we said “for better, for worse..”. (*) ’Shouldn’t it be me that brings the better part of myself and not the worst into the relationship?’

Let our arguments - and we can’t avoid them - be a catalyst for change and growth in our marriages - not a reason to give up and fail.

*- from our book ‘Marriage Made in Heaven (when we say I will)’